Thursday, March 18, 2010

From the Fear Line

I have come to realize that I am making decisions from a place of fear, very possibly the worst way. I don't mean to, I think I am being cautious, but really I am hiding. Even in these posts, I don't market or show them. They are public but I would be worried sick if I thought someone was actually reading them. I don't know why I do it anymore. I feel out of step right now professionally, and I think that has a way of insinuating itself into other aspects of your life. Maybe I'm just not good enough. So what does it mean to be good enough? Will I ever be good enough? And who gets to decide this? Is it me? My bosses? My students? My family? The list goes on and on. How can we ever know? In school, if you have a good teacher, you are given constant feedback. In work we are given little to no feedback and so if you are not seriously confident you can, I can, begin to doubt, question and interpret every look, word and gesture. What does that mean? Why did he say that? Or, the absolute worst, Why did I say that? At least if you have been drinking and you have that moment you can sort of shrug it off but if you weren't then there is nowhere to hide. Yep, naked me. I really did say that. Can you believe it? What does that mean? I hate those moments. And yet, I don't (okay sometimes I do) define others by one or two comments. But then maybe it isn't so bad to be defined as long as it isn't a permanent definition. People grow and change. Maybe I don't allow for that. Yeah, I probably don't. I think I pretty much sum people up and then move on. Maybe that is normal.
I once heard that what you dislike in other people are often the things you dislike in yourself.
One thing I do know about myself. I can't be afraid for too long. It is too exhausting to always worry about what people think.

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