Reflections on a Year - A Vegan Rant

In three weeks, about, I will have been trying to maintain a vegan lifestyle for about a year. Although, I am not truly vegan, which is hard to explain. I have not thrown out all of my leather, or wool clothing. However, I do now try to purchase animal free products.  Other things such as lotions, face wash, etc, I found ridiculously expensive (vegan or traditional) so I now try to make my own.
Food, however, has been easy.  It seems weird to me that I ever ate any other way. I think the biggest surprise is how few choices there are for vegans. Well, that and the fact that people still feel the need to profess to me their undying love for bacon. But it doesn't bother me, it just sort of startles me that either they think they are the first to come up and say, "Ooooh, I could never give up bacon." Or they think it never gets old for them to share with me their addiction, passion, obsession, whatever the relationship is at the moment with this meat. Totally different from the people who will  come up and say, "Oh, I could never give up cheese." and then get this sort of dreamy look in their eyes. But on the whole I would have to say that people have been so super supportive.  I've realize how truly blessed I am to have such good friends. I want to thank them. The people who came with real questions, concerns and even advice. People who came with connections to others. And people who have gone out of their way to make my experiences with my choices easier for me. The greatest gift of this choice has been the realization of the wonderful people around me. And then there are some other people.
I try very hard not to be a bother with my eating choices. I'm not doing this to make a statement or to make others feel guilty. I'm not all that interested in what you are eating. This was my choice. So, I thought I would put together a list of reasons I didn't go vegan:
1. I didn't do this for you, to you, in spite of you. I did this to align my actions with my conscience. Which, yes, makes me feel better about myself but not better than you. I am actually very self centered - outside of my children - I tend to think about me. So really, I'm not thinking about you - more than likely I am wondering if I can do more or if everyone is staring at the grey hair on my head.
2. This isn't just about the animals. But it isn't not about the animals either. People are carnivores, I get that. However, to me, the impact on the planet, the cruelty to a living thing, the price to the small farmer as factory farms and fewer slaughter houses take over was just to high a price to pay to eat. So it is about the animals, but it is about so much more.
3. This isn't just about the environment. Although that is a motivating factor, it is not the largest factor. Because, as usual, it is the people with the least amount of power who reap the worst consequences. It is more about the people. The people who have no choice, or their choices are ninety-nine cent value meal, or some prepackaged junk from the cheapest supermarket - if they have a supermarket in the area.
4. I didn't do this so you could read the menu for me. I can still read, I haven't developed an allergy to meat, cheese, eggs, other dairy. This is my choice. I firmly believe that, for me, a person of limited means, my power remains with the choices I make. I can eat anything, the power is in the choice.
5. I didn't do this in the hopes you would go vegan. Really, I didn't. Although, let's face it, if enough people went vegan I would probably have greater choice as the mighty markets would have to respond. See? All about me.

Crumb Counter's and New Year's Resolutions

Isn't it funny how the things you aren't particularly proud of in yourself really annoy the hell out of you in others? One would think that we would have more empathy seeing our own foibles in others, and I know in the right time and circumstance I can. But often, it just sends me right out of my skull.
I am a crumb counter by nature. Maybe it is because I am the middle child in a large family, maybe it is just part of my DNA. Whatever the reason I often find myself with the sulky "It's not fair." drifting around in my mind.  When I see people of means, people who didn't have to pay for their own college (or aren't burdened by massive debt because of it) or can afford things I just can't. People who don't have to live paycheck to paycheck, I become petulant. I resent the fact that I seem to have so little compared to others. It is a very small feeling and one of which I am not particularly proud. There are times that I float around and never count the crumbs and other times I find myself so furious  at what I don't have, I forget to be grateful for the amazing life I do have. It seems during these times that I am a raging calculator out of control, with positives in every other life but my own.
I think some of this stems from the belief that part of my self worth comes from my standing in society. The more financially solvent I am, the further up the social ladder, the better I am. Obviously, right? I deserve to be here because I am better. So when I am feeling less financially, my mind seeks to buttress itself from the logical conclusion of this thinking: I am not good enough. If I were a better person, smarter, prettier, more practical, innately somehow deserving, I wouldn't live paycheck to paycheck. I would deserve to have more because I am better.  A little sick, isn't it?
Maybe that is why when I see so many Facebook posts complaining about what people may or may not buy with their government assistance it enrages me. Let's face it, it is crumb counting, just with a different group of people This prevalent thought that people can afford something I can't, but are somehow less deserving of it than I am. They obviously made the wrong choices, weren't smart enough, just weren't good enough to not need financial assistance. That's kind of the underlying logic, right? I work hard and you don't. Of course we don't really know these people, we may see a small window into their life at the super market, where we judge their groceries, their clothes, their electronics and sum up the group. Not fair! Why should they have an iPhone, expensive clothes, or potato chips? Undeserving.
I guess it makes me angry because I don't want to be judged for what I think I lack. I don't want to be judged for every choice I make, and I resent even an inkling that someone else feels they have the right to tell me how to live. But of course, it is just a different form of what I do, so I should be more understanding.
Originally, my New Year's Resolution was going to be nothing this year. This year I was going to accept myself as I am. It seemed like a great idea and lasted two weeks. Me being me, it just didn't work. I have to have something to work on. So this year I am working on not crumb counting. Instead of looking to others for what they are doing wrong, judging people I really don't know, and getting angry for what I don't have, I am going to try to be grateful for everything I do have. I am going to try to avoid comparing my life with others, or use a judgement of others to somehow justify my own place in this world.
Hopefully, I will be successful at least some of the time. Wish me luck!